Posts tagged #dating

Reach for the Stars, Reach for the Sky

MyBodyWithYours.jpg

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which I will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you quite so new 

- e.e. cummings


It has been a long time since I've felt so starry-eyed. In the throes of the most crushing crush. I'm dangerously toeing that line near head-over-heels.

Life continues to be completely, utterly, totally incredible. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Posted on February 24, 2014 and filed under Dating.

Brunch: A Breakdown

The Morning-After brunch is a real, legit thing. In fact, I have an unspoken standing date every single weekend with a rotating cast of girlfriends and gays to catch up on Sunday or Saturday mornings to discuss the previous evening's exploits.

Here are some snippets from a single such meal. I can't even make up the things that are discussed at these meetings.


One of my girls is late. The waiter decides to have a little fun and tell her that the rest of us had taken two tequila shots, each. And that she must do the same. She seriously considers it, before chastising us.

"You guys are crazy! That's what strippers drink!"

We just look at each other. I belly laughed. Because isn't that what everybody drinks? Also, who calls their friends strippers as an insult, really?

---

One drink in, one lady questions what she should do about a long-lingering flirtation. With a guy she clearly is interested in, and the feeling is mutual.

Cue eye rolls.

"You are SO Jane Austen-ing your life right now."

(Seriously ladies, stop it with Operation Play It Cool. Stop it with the swooning and mooning, and just go for it, yeah? We are in the era of Independent Womanhood. Get it.)

I thought that would have done it--go for it, case closed--but she continues the same discussion, and we're all forced to chime in. The consensus is that she is Doing It Wrong.

"Stop cockblocking yourself."

"You should just touch his penis. Just touch it. For our sakes'."

(Having a friend that is the "Samantha"? That is also a real, legit thing.)

---

Two drinks in, we discuss a different guy. He's really good on paper: great job, fantastic taste in date locales, sophisticated, well-dressed; but there is zero physical chemistry. Girlfriend is on the fence. She explains what she thinks is his pickup artist strategy:

"I think I figured it out. How he gets all these girls. I think he just slowly wears them down. With fancy meals and good taste."

Cue more eye rolls.

"...You make him sound like a serial killer."

"Just keep going on dates with him. What's the harm? He sounds kind of awesome."

She doesn't buy into it. Keeps framing him as a diamond in the rough. One she doesn't want to find.

"I mean, but maybe...I've found the unicorn, right?"

"...but you don't want to ride it."

"Ugh! Just touch it! Through his pants."

I followed up on all of the above the following week. Nothing was touched.


It's kind of amazing how many requests I get for dating advice. The likelihood of me saying, "Just touch it," is fairly high. The likelihood of me telling my friend to give the guy a chance is also high. Good luck out there, bachelors! I'm totally on your side.

Posted on February 12, 2014 and filed under Dating.

Reason #1

In conversation with one of my straight male friends, he offered me some dating advice.

"You have to reveal the like, 10 things you're good at, one at a time. Like one a week. You can't share it all at once at the very beginning. Gotta keep some mystery."

I nodded.

"But what if you're just good at everything? I'm good at everything."

Crickets.


I am Undateable.

Posted on January 22, 2014 and filed under Dating.

On Dining Compatibility: It's a Thing

A friend tagged me on Instagram immediately when she saw this photo. I spent weeks tracking down this ring. If there's one thing I'm really good at, it's figuring out the best way to go after something that catches my eye, no matter how obscure, rare, or far away.

One thing about me? I like to eat. Very easily, the way to my heart is through my stomach. In my OkCupid profile, I make sure to highlight a few things that are important to me, interesting and delicious foods being very high on the list.

I get it, it's hard for anyone to send the first message. What clever thing are you going to say, that will intrigue the other person to immediately fall in love with you? Or at the very least, interest them enough to write you back, and continue writing you back until you meet them in real life?

A large number of guys message me either to bond over eating experiences in Atlanta (this is awesome, unless they have terrible taste, which then it turns into an argument) or to suggest that I expose them to new culinary experiences.

I thought the latter would be something I'd be really into. Being an ambassador to my city, where I just get to meet new people and eat all the things I like? I got really excited at the prospect!

Oh boy.

So one guy uses this very icebreaker. He's cute, seems like a really cheery person, and very quickly passes the psychopath test. Deeming him nonthreatening and potentially super fun, I agree to meet him offline.

The impression I get from him is that he is putting himself out there to try something new (yay, dating!), and that he reached out to me specifically because he wants to try something new (yay, eating!). So I suggest a spot where we can grab a drink, that has small plates to give us the option of staying longer and ordering more food if it is going well, and is hip but the atmosphere casual enough to kill any anxiety about meeting a stranger.

We sit and he looks at the menus. Cocktail sheet, drink book, food list, sushi sheet you fill out yourself with a golf pencil. Deer in headlights look on face. I realize immediately the venue choice was too aspirational. There is no turning back now.

I persevere and order my usual drink. I cajole our server into choosing a cocktail for the gentleman.

Drinks arrive. He takes one sip, asks me if I'd like to try it. It's perfect, so good I almost regret not getting the same. I'm pretty sure that's the only sip he takes the entire meal.

I order the three simplest things on the menu, still feeling confident. The dishes arrive, he tries everything. By taking one bite, and then putting the food down and not touching it again.

This is when I start to panic. Not only is his appetite, well, nonexistent, so is the conversation. I launch into my most charming, talkative self, while eating the remainder of the food as quickly and in as ladylike a manner as possible. It is difficult, but I do not waver.

The check finally arrives, and I dive for it. 


Quick aside: I don't really believe that guys always have to pay for the first date meal or activity. I'm happy to share or treat, and people should just let me if I want to. And sometimes, it's nice to be treated every once in a while, right? My treat.


In this case, I wasn't just trying to be nice. It was almost as if I had conned this stranger into a weird restaurant experience, and there was no way I was going to let him pay a portion of the bill considering I had ordered (and eaten!) everything on the table. 

When we part for the night, I get the feeling he thinks it went really well. I don't know how to explain that I carried the entire conversation, and that I probably couldn't date someone that couldn't eat with me, as I eat out regularly.

He continues to text me for a few days, until I finally try to let him down easy.

Thanks for hanging out! I meant to tell you that I am not looking for anything serious right now and I’m currently dating a few other people... So I can’t promise you anything.

No worries, I’m dating other people too, but you are fun to hang out with so hit me up any time.

Considering he told me the opposite over the dinner he didn't eat, I did not hit him up.

It wasn't a total loss. I did take myself out to a fantastic dinner.

Posted on January 8, 2014 and filed under Dating, Fashion.

Two Random Dudes: The Art of Rejection, Through SnapChat

My single lady group quickly dwindled between October and November, and I found my party posse was often just a party of two. I don't know if it was change in seasons or my habitually staying out till all hours that thinned out the ranks; but when it came down to it, it was just me and my main squeeze every weekend. Bless her.

There's some safety in numbers, though. And while neither of us could necessarily be held responsible for the other disappearing into a dark corner or being spirited away by a stranger, I'd certainly like to believe we were both emboldened by each other's presence to mercilessly reject the most ridiculous kinds of suitors.

Which is why I was shocked when she texted me one day.

"Do you want to go on another blind date with two guys?"

(I mean, did you guys read the Grouper story? She was there, why would we ever do that again?!)

"This profile on OkCupid messaged me, and they're in town for the weekend. They said they'd buy us dinner."

She shoots me a username.

"Okay, first of all, there is ZERO information on this profile. Secondly, there are no photos. Why would I consider this sketchy date? I can afford dinner, thanks."

--

Sidenote: one of my biggest pet peeves on the site is that profiles are not monitored in any way, because it is a free service. If someone messages me with zero photos, or no clear photos, I have no problem immediately sassing them, "If you wanted to meet me, I wouldn't even know what you look like. Not enough photos. Get on your selfie game."

But also, because part of what takes people into a non-friend zone is physical attraction, because biology, right?

--

She keeps persisting. She says they will take us to my favorite bar, which nobody ever wants to go to.

I start relenting.

"Alright, do NOT give these bozos your number. But you can give them my SnapChat. I will give them one chance to send a photo."

I get a new Snap. It's one guy. My brain does the RED ALERT STRANGER DANGER thing.

I should have just let it go, but I couldn't help but respond.

Short hair? Is he ginger or brunette? Go home stranger, you are drunk.

For some reason, that doesn't come off as a rejection to him. You have to hand it to this guy for being persistent.

I receive a hastily handwritten note in response. I take screenshots to share with my lady. 

She stills thinks it will be a great idea. I know it will not. I demand a cancellation.

Why would we meet in a hotel bar? Why would I meet somebody with zero background information? Do they pass both psychopath and pervert tests? Eh.

Gold underwear?!

She FINALLY FINALLY cancels.

At the last minute. 

I relax.

But then, a few days later, the SnapChats keep rolling in. Because I am an idiot and didn't close the line of communication.

I am no stranger to meeting people "from the Internet" and have no qualms about online dating--my last serious boyfriend and I actually connected through a Twitter hashtag! However, I do take issue with folks trying to lure young women into hotel rooms. Just, no.

Um, you are correct.

Posted on December 30, 2013 and filed under Dating.

Why Are You Single?

This comes up very quickly, especially if a date is going well.

As if singledom implies something is wrong with me, or perhaps I've made some unusual choices to lead me here. I would like to think I have ended up here, almost by accident, but it's quite difficult to explain.

In having this exact conversation, I explained to one especially eligible bachelor, "I am open to all experiences. No particular end goal. It depends on who and what and when and how. I've had serious boyfriends. I've had five year relationships. I've wanted to be married. I've wanted kids. But every situation and relationship is different."

He asked me, "Did you walk away from all of them?"

"No, I always want to make it work."

This response usually results in silence.

Posted on December 29, 2013 and filed under Dating.

One Tragic, One Hot, One Cool: A Grouper Story

After much discussion with my favorite single lady and partner-in-crime on nights out, we decided to sign up for Grouper. Meeting new friends, hanging out with a potential of three righteous dudes, what could go wrong?

Well, I got cold feet leading up to the big day, and to buffer my low (extremely low) expectations for the clowns we would be meeting with, I chose to live-tweet the occasion. I even made a hashtag for the event, so friends could follow along at home.

Most of the best tidbits I shared in the timeline below, but I figure I can help fill in some of the gaps.

The service sends the location for the date the night before. (No other details are offered, making it a truly blind date.) For some reason the options for neighborhoods from which we could choose were limited. Buckhead or Midtown. Neither is really the scene for my lady posse. Of course, when a dive bar in Virginia Highlands was selected, I couldn't help but wince a little.

So the night finally comes, we arrive at said location, and I beeline for the bar. On the way, my girls and I are intercepted by our dates. Two of them. 

One immediately launches into conversation about how recently he is single, and he doesn't know how to meet women (sadly, he truly didn't have any game). The other is hot in a traditional way, but oozes sleaze. I finally ask, "Isn't there a third?"

Our third suitor eventually arrives and is completely disinterested in being there. I keep wondering if the guys even knew each other, and No-Game Dude just found them on the street. We never quite figure that out.

Posted on December 28, 2013 and filed under Dating.

OkStupid

This is a very real thing that happened. I'll tell you about it later.

This is a very real thing that happened. I'll tell you about it later.

So after a long hiatus from the online dating scene, I decided I wanted to venture into the jungle (okay, mess) that is OkCupid. I haven't been active on any kind of dating service since 2005, due to my prolonged participation in serial monogamy. What can I say--I am really good at attracting and keeping boyfriends.

But what this journey has shown me, is that, well, I'm also really good at being single.

I've shared some particularly idiotic tidbits on Tumblr, but you will have the pleasure of reading the full stories right here. That is not to say that I am purely doing this for sport, though I suppose I could.

I'm always open to the possibility that I meet somebody, and worlds collide. Lightning strikes. The stars align. We may have already met, but why ruin a good story?

Posted on December 28, 2013 and filed under Dating.