Posts tagged #okcupid

If I'm Being Totally Honest

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
— Mark Twain

If I had to admit what are my weaknesses, interview style:

Poor sense of direction. Geography is not my strong suit. I have a terrible sense of intuition when taking spontaneous journeys or even when running errands. Before embarking on a round of errand-running, I make a list of all the things I need to do, places I need to go, items I need to purchase, and map out a route with the aid of my computer and common sense (groceries last, because perishables!).

Impatience. I tend to mobilize very quickly. If I've set out to go somewhere, do something, I'm ready to go. I don't like waiting on others to drag their feet. Also related to this: when empowered to do so, I am a steadfast decisionmaker. It's not that I  make snap judgments. Sometimes people become impatient with me in turn because it seems I am being indecisive. Quite the opposite. If I am quiet and thoughtful for a spell, I'm actually laying out all of the permutations, consequences, outcomes and selecting the very best one. Let's call it efficient.

Honesty. This is my Achilles' heel. I still haven't figured out if it was my upbringing (is it cultural?) or something ingrained in my personality that makes me so forthcoming. Blunt, rather. I've derailed conversations with a single keen, cutting observation. Some people don't bat an eye. Some are visibly ruffled. Some sputter, and inform me, "Look, people aren't used to being told things they've never realized about themselves."

I've been known to spout, at strangers, "You're really good looking." For normal people, this would result in embarrassment. For me, it's just a passing thought. "Did you know that your face is aesthetically pleasing?"

And so, considering, this next story doesn't seem totally unusual, not at first.


Some weeks ago, I walked into a coffee shop, disheveled and unkempt, undone from the night before, out on the town. Hangover be damned, I was out to finally make the acquaintance of someone new.

Related to said damned hangover, I was on a round of errands to pick up the pieces from my wild night. I literally lost my shit that night--the first stop was the bar, as both my jacket and wallet were missing from the night before. Then perhaps a coffee, perhaps to run into a new friend, but only if I was able to pay for it with the contents of a found wallet.

As some of you following my story clearly know, OkCupid wasn't working out. Not at all. But after totally closing that chapter of my dating life, I had handpicked one single somebody to continue talking to. Because I sensed that we were the same brand of weird, and that's a special and rare occurrence. I wanted to materialize this person from the Internet and into my life, to fold into my weekend plans, to share pitchers of beer on a patio and people watch with, to do strictly platonic dude things with.

Single Somebody and I had connected my very first few days on the service. I remember telling my Main Squeeze, "Oh! I like somebody. Let us scrutinize his online dating profile together." We messaged sporadically for weeks, both of us floating in and out of conversation. Plans to meet never quite solidify. I closed my account not even a month later. We continued the same pattern via text message. Plans still never quite solidify. Three months eventually pass.

He mentions where he will be for some hours Saturday following The Night I Literally Lost My Shit. My wallet goes from missing to found. Perhaps a coffee turns into definitely a coffee, plans laid, solidified. Because, three months is a long time to wait for somebody who typically makes a plan and is out the door to execute said plan in five minutes (i.e. me).

I have no qualms about meeting new people. In fact, I always look forward to bringing more good people into my life. But as I pulled up to the rendezvous point, my palms were sweating. I may have even had butterflies. No explanation, since there was no expectation for this meeting.

When I walked in, and said hello, and finally made eye contact with him, I knew all notions of just friends, just drinking buddies were a joke. Much like my appearance that day. My hands started shaking. I pretended they weren't, and launched into a we've-known-each-other-forever tone of voice, avoiding small talk. And then immediately slip up.

"You're much better looking in real life."

His mouth formed the shape of an "o."

He decided to hang out with me anyway.

Posted on March 19, 2014 and filed under Dating.

Reason #3

Disclaimer: he was hot. I was bored. I may have also been drunk OkCupiding.

Me:  DREAMBOAT

Dude:  Hello there

Dude:  You like kissing huh?

Me:  Oh, hi! Duh, who doesn't like kissing? Oh I know, assholes.

Dude:  Hahaha hello cutie. Yes. One day lets kiss then cutie

Me:  What, no foreplay? Is cuddling negotiable?

Dude:  Oh don't worry lots of foreplay and cuddling

Me:  How many pillows? How many blankets? Socks or no socks? It is goddamn cold.

Dude:  Lots of both plus lots of nakedness

Me:  Oh my! I like your messages, keep them coming (NOTE: this is where I am mistaken)

Dude:  I like your face and wanna see you naked. Hump you hard.

Dude:  5555555555. Text me a sexy pic girl

Me:  [texts a photo of cats, in space, with pizza]


Undateable.

Posted on January 25, 2014 and filed under Dating.

On Dining Compatibility: It's a Thing

A friend tagged me on Instagram immediately when she saw this photo. I spent weeks tracking down this ring. If there's one thing I'm really good at, it's figuring out the best way to go after something that catches my eye, no matter how obscure, rare, or far away.

One thing about me? I like to eat. Very easily, the way to my heart is through my stomach. In my OkCupid profile, I make sure to highlight a few things that are important to me, interesting and delicious foods being very high on the list.

I get it, it's hard for anyone to send the first message. What clever thing are you going to say, that will intrigue the other person to immediately fall in love with you? Or at the very least, interest them enough to write you back, and continue writing you back until you meet them in real life?

A large number of guys message me either to bond over eating experiences in Atlanta (this is awesome, unless they have terrible taste, which then it turns into an argument) or to suggest that I expose them to new culinary experiences.

I thought the latter would be something I'd be really into. Being an ambassador to my city, where I just get to meet new people and eat all the things I like? I got really excited at the prospect!

Oh boy.

So one guy uses this very icebreaker. He's cute, seems like a really cheery person, and very quickly passes the psychopath test. Deeming him nonthreatening and potentially super fun, I agree to meet him offline.

The impression I get from him is that he is putting himself out there to try something new (yay, dating!), and that he reached out to me specifically because he wants to try something new (yay, eating!). So I suggest a spot where we can grab a drink, that has small plates to give us the option of staying longer and ordering more food if it is going well, and is hip but the atmosphere casual enough to kill any anxiety about meeting a stranger.

We sit and he looks at the menus. Cocktail sheet, drink book, food list, sushi sheet you fill out yourself with a golf pencil. Deer in headlights look on face. I realize immediately the venue choice was too aspirational. There is no turning back now.

I persevere and order my usual drink. I cajole our server into choosing a cocktail for the gentleman.

Drinks arrive. He takes one sip, asks me if I'd like to try it. It's perfect, so good I almost regret not getting the same. I'm pretty sure that's the only sip he takes the entire meal.

I order the three simplest things on the menu, still feeling confident. The dishes arrive, he tries everything. By taking one bite, and then putting the food down and not touching it again.

This is when I start to panic. Not only is his appetite, well, nonexistent, so is the conversation. I launch into my most charming, talkative self, while eating the remainder of the food as quickly and in as ladylike a manner as possible. It is difficult, but I do not waver.

The check finally arrives, and I dive for it. 


Quick aside: I don't really believe that guys always have to pay for the first date meal or activity. I'm happy to share or treat, and people should just let me if I want to. And sometimes, it's nice to be treated every once in a while, right? My treat.


In this case, I wasn't just trying to be nice. It was almost as if I had conned this stranger into a weird restaurant experience, and there was no way I was going to let him pay a portion of the bill considering I had ordered (and eaten!) everything on the table. 

When we part for the night, I get the feeling he thinks it went really well. I don't know how to explain that I carried the entire conversation, and that I probably couldn't date someone that couldn't eat with me, as I eat out regularly.

He continues to text me for a few days, until I finally try to let him down easy.

Thanks for hanging out! I meant to tell you that I am not looking for anything serious right now and I’m currently dating a few other people... So I can’t promise you anything.

No worries, I’m dating other people too, but you are fun to hang out with so hit me up any time.

Considering he told me the opposite over the dinner he didn't eat, I did not hit him up.

It wasn't a total loss. I did take myself out to a fantastic dinner.

Posted on January 8, 2014 and filed under Dating, Fashion.

The Gentleman

A few months ago, I decided to rejoin OkCupid, almost on a lark. Something about more efficiently meeting people with the aid of algorithms and compatibility scores really appealed to the engineer part of my brain. Little did I know how absolutely wrong I was when I thought to myself, "This will be a great idea!"

All that aside, this is the only positive experience I've had so far. Before we plunge into the bad, let's start with something good.


As I mentioned in my SnapChat post, one layer of initial attraction is physical. So even though these compatibility percentages were listed for every potential boyfriend on the site, I knew I wasn't in any kind of rush to be coupled, so I could afford to be choosy. And so I started by choosing with my eyes. And I learned I only found a very small (2-3%) of available online profiles attractive.

So when I saw his face, I think I literally gasped out loud. Click.

Remember the days of sending, like, winky faces or pokes to flirt online? Now it's just on a hot-or-not dating scale. Rate this profile. Swipe left or right.

His profile was actually extremely vague. Instead of answering the prompts with poorly worded essays, he responded in poetry. The former literary-magazine-editor in me swooned. His photos included one in the great outdoors, one in a tropical travel destination, one in a very foreign travel destination, one with glasses, one hinting at a tattoo. Eyes wide, heart pounding, I say yes.

It's a match!

I feel bold.

Would you like to go to a dance party?

Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to go to a dance party?!

Correct answer.

However, incorrect city. He doesn't live in town. Not just outside of the metro Atlanta area, rather, states away. (This is easily a theme of my current dating experiences. I will expand on this in a separate post.)

But he's coming for a visit. I press on.

When are you in town then? My social calendar is a bit of a beast to wrangle.

I’m staying downtown for three nights. Let me know if you get an opening. (555) 555-1234.

I quickly send him a text, inviting him to my favorite bar for drinks and dinner.

Damn girl, you don’t waste any time! :)

I am aggressively single. Ha, sorry, but I’m out to get what I want.

I apologize for saying ‘damn girl.’

Important item to note here, is that I like to be direct and forthright in communications. I also make sure to be attentive and responsive. I am the fastest texter in all the land. If I don't respond to you, I probably hate you (unlikely!) or am asleep. Or dead. I'm probably dying. 

It's immediately evident he's intelligent, witty, and has just enough bite to be interesting.

Why so aggressively single?

I think I was feeling bold when I said that. I’m not looking for my next boyfriend or potential spouse right now. I just really enjoy meeting new people. And hanging out. I’m a pretty good time.

I like the confidence. I rarely enjoy hanging out with bad time people. I’m feeling like good people lately, so your timing is impeccable.

Another correct response. Immediately follows with the, "Why are you single?" conversation.

We continue to banter all night. And for the next four days.

You’re fun.

I live to entertain you.

I realized I run new people through the wringer. Never mean spiritedly, but interesting new people? I want to know everything. 

What is your go-to karaoke track?

”Trouble” by Elvis

When did you first know you are hot?

I’m not. I’m a little on the skinny side. I have a comically large smile. I was a science major.

That is precious! Talk math and science to me.

Mitochondria. Covalent bonds. Photo. Synthesis.

Everything he says is perfect. I can't help but feel like I have a delicious secret. I'm distracted.

I'm impressed with his sense of follow-up. Every lapse in conversation, he picks back up. I'm surprised at every opportunity he has to fade away, and instead I consistently receive thinly veiled messages that are only meant to say, "I'm still interested."

This has been interesting.

This being what?

I don’t usually talk to someone this long before I meet them in person.

I am an excellent conversationalist.

You are indeed. If we were in the same town, we would have already met. Days ago in fact.

He finally arrives. It's the day.

But something in the dynamic shifts, and suddenly I am drifting.

I realize we're past the tipping point for real romantic interest. He's interested.

I have cold feet.

For some reason, I loathe the idea of a real date. In my mind, I want to meet somebody, become fast friends, because there is a crackling intensity. I recoil at the idea of being wooed on a dinner date. I just want to hang out and see what happens. I explain.

Cold feet?

This got more real more quickly than I expected. This sounds weird, but I am averse to the idea of a date lately. Let’s just hang out please?

I’m not entirely sure what to do with that...

This is not a rejection.

We finally meet. He's absolutely everything I imagined and he promised. Tall, handsome, with a winning smile. Sarcastic, sharp, with an intense gaze.

I can't tell if I had talked myself out of it because of the high chance of failure (long distance is a thing I am actually great at, but have been disappointed by); or if I just wasn't interested, if it wasn't right; or if we had missed the window where we should have met, at the peak of our flirtation.

But I had fallen out of it somewhere along the way. I didn't know if I could get back in.

We had a fantastic meal--he did something I always do, and love doing: over-ordering for the entire table, and then slowly, efficiently, eating every dish. He is attentive, very sweet, and much more vulnerable in person. Objectively, a very dreamy gentleman; I felt like I had stolen somebody's lottery ticket.

As I walked to my car, he followed me to the driver side door. Took me by the small of my back, locked eyes with me, and gave me a movie star kiss.

I wish I saw stars, as it was so utterly romantic! But still, nothing.


He eventually went back home, up north. I couldn't help but wonder if it was meant to be, but I over-rationalized and spoiled my chances. Dreamy gentlemen don't come along very often.

But my internal conflict fizzled just as quickly as my initial interest did.

Our time together was brief, but neatly packaged: a perfect episode in a non-love story. And now I know, in another city, is one of the most eligible bachelors I have ever met.

Posted on January 6, 2014 and filed under Dating.

Two Random Dudes: The Art of Rejection, Through SnapChat

My single lady group quickly dwindled between October and November, and I found my party posse was often just a party of two. I don't know if it was change in seasons or my habitually staying out till all hours that thinned out the ranks; but when it came down to it, it was just me and my main squeeze every weekend. Bless her.

There's some safety in numbers, though. And while neither of us could necessarily be held responsible for the other disappearing into a dark corner or being spirited away by a stranger, I'd certainly like to believe we were both emboldened by each other's presence to mercilessly reject the most ridiculous kinds of suitors.

Which is why I was shocked when she texted me one day.

"Do you want to go on another blind date with two guys?"

(I mean, did you guys read the Grouper story? She was there, why would we ever do that again?!)

"This profile on OkCupid messaged me, and they're in town for the weekend. They said they'd buy us dinner."

She shoots me a username.

"Okay, first of all, there is ZERO information on this profile. Secondly, there are no photos. Why would I consider this sketchy date? I can afford dinner, thanks."

--

Sidenote: one of my biggest pet peeves on the site is that profiles are not monitored in any way, because it is a free service. If someone messages me with zero photos, or no clear photos, I have no problem immediately sassing them, "If you wanted to meet me, I wouldn't even know what you look like. Not enough photos. Get on your selfie game."

But also, because part of what takes people into a non-friend zone is physical attraction, because biology, right?

--

She keeps persisting. She says they will take us to my favorite bar, which nobody ever wants to go to.

I start relenting.

"Alright, do NOT give these bozos your number. But you can give them my SnapChat. I will give them one chance to send a photo."

I get a new Snap. It's one guy. My brain does the RED ALERT STRANGER DANGER thing.

I should have just let it go, but I couldn't help but respond.

Short hair? Is he ginger or brunette? Go home stranger, you are drunk.

For some reason, that doesn't come off as a rejection to him. You have to hand it to this guy for being persistent.

I receive a hastily handwritten note in response. I take screenshots to share with my lady. 

She stills thinks it will be a great idea. I know it will not. I demand a cancellation.

Why would we meet in a hotel bar? Why would I meet somebody with zero background information? Do they pass both psychopath and pervert tests? Eh.

Gold underwear?!

She FINALLY FINALLY cancels.

At the last minute. 

I relax.

But then, a few days later, the SnapChats keep rolling in. Because I am an idiot and didn't close the line of communication.

I am no stranger to meeting people "from the Internet" and have no qualms about online dating--my last serious boyfriend and I actually connected through a Twitter hashtag! However, I do take issue with folks trying to lure young women into hotel rooms. Just, no.

Um, you are correct.

Posted on December 30, 2013 and filed under Dating.

OkStupid

This is a very real thing that happened. I'll tell you about it later.

This is a very real thing that happened. I'll tell you about it later.

So after a long hiatus from the online dating scene, I decided I wanted to venture into the jungle (okay, mess) that is OkCupid. I haven't been active on any kind of dating service since 2005, due to my prolonged participation in serial monogamy. What can I say--I am really good at attracting and keeping boyfriends.

But what this journey has shown me, is that, well, I'm also really good at being single.

I've shared some particularly idiotic tidbits on Tumblr, but you will have the pleasure of reading the full stories right here. That is not to say that I am purely doing this for sport, though I suppose I could.

I'm always open to the possibility that I meet somebody, and worlds collide. Lightning strikes. The stars align. We may have already met, but why ruin a good story?

Posted on December 28, 2013 and filed under Dating.