Posts tagged #okcupidfail

Reason #3

Disclaimer: he was hot. I was bored. I may have also been drunk OkCupiding.


Dude:  Hello there

Dude:  You like kissing huh?

Me:  Oh, hi! Duh, who doesn't like kissing? Oh I know, assholes.

Dude:  Hahaha hello cutie. Yes. One day lets kiss then cutie

Me:  What, no foreplay? Is cuddling negotiable?

Dude:  Oh don't worry lots of foreplay and cuddling

Me:  How many pillows? How many blankets? Socks or no socks? It is goddamn cold.

Dude:  Lots of both plus lots of nakedness

Me:  Oh my! I like your messages, keep them coming (NOTE: this is where I am mistaken)

Dude:  I like your face and wanna see you naked. Hump you hard.

Dude:  5555555555. Text me a sexy pic girl

Me:  [texts a photo of cats, in space, with pizza]


Posted on January 25, 2014 and filed under Dating.

Two Random Dudes: The Art of Rejection, Through SnapChat

My single lady group quickly dwindled between October and November, and I found my party posse was often just a party of two. I don't know if it was change in seasons or my habitually staying out till all hours that thinned out the ranks; but when it came down to it, it was just me and my main squeeze every weekend. Bless her.

There's some safety in numbers, though. And while neither of us could necessarily be held responsible for the other disappearing into a dark corner or being spirited away by a stranger, I'd certainly like to believe we were both emboldened by each other's presence to mercilessly reject the most ridiculous kinds of suitors.

Which is why I was shocked when she texted me one day.

"Do you want to go on another blind date with two guys?"

(I mean, did you guys read the Grouper story? She was there, why would we ever do that again?!)

"This profile on OkCupid messaged me, and they're in town for the weekend. They said they'd buy us dinner."

She shoots me a username.

"Okay, first of all, there is ZERO information on this profile. Secondly, there are no photos. Why would I consider this sketchy date? I can afford dinner, thanks."


Sidenote: one of my biggest pet peeves on the site is that profiles are not monitored in any way, because it is a free service. If someone messages me with zero photos, or no clear photos, I have no problem immediately sassing them, "If you wanted to meet me, I wouldn't even know what you look like. Not enough photos. Get on your selfie game."

But also, because part of what takes people into a non-friend zone is physical attraction, because biology, right?


She keeps persisting. She says they will take us to my favorite bar, which nobody ever wants to go to.

I start relenting.

"Alright, do NOT give these bozos your number. But you can give them my SnapChat. I will give them one chance to send a photo."

I get a new Snap. It's one guy. My brain does the RED ALERT STRANGER DANGER thing.

I should have just let it go, but I couldn't help but respond.

Short hair? Is he ginger or brunette? Go home stranger, you are drunk.

For some reason, that doesn't come off as a rejection to him. You have to hand it to this guy for being persistent.

I receive a hastily handwritten note in response. I take screenshots to share with my lady. 

She stills thinks it will be a great idea. I know it will not. I demand a cancellation.

Why would we meet in a hotel bar? Why would I meet somebody with zero background information? Do they pass both psychopath and pervert tests? Eh.

Gold underwear?!


At the last minute. 

I relax.

But then, a few days later, the SnapChats keep rolling in. Because I am an idiot and didn't close the line of communication.

I am no stranger to meeting people "from the Internet" and have no qualms about online dating--my last serious boyfriend and I actually connected through a Twitter hashtag! However, I do take issue with folks trying to lure young women into hotel rooms. Just, no.

Um, you are correct.

Posted on December 30, 2013 and filed under Dating.


This is a very real thing that happened. I'll tell you about it later.

This is a very real thing that happened. I'll tell you about it later.

So after a long hiatus from the online dating scene, I decided I wanted to venture into the jungle (okay, mess) that is OkCupid. I haven't been active on any kind of dating service since 2005, due to my prolonged participation in serial monogamy. What can I say--I am really good at attracting and keeping boyfriends.

But what this journey has shown me, is that, well, I'm also really good at being single.

I've shared some particularly idiotic tidbits on Tumblr, but you will have the pleasure of reading the full stories right here. That is not to say that I am purely doing this for sport, though I suppose I could.

I'm always open to the possibility that I meet somebody, and worlds collide. Lightning strikes. The stars align. We may have already met, but why ruin a good story?

Posted on December 28, 2013 and filed under Dating.