In conversation with one of my straight male friends, he offered me some dating advice.
"You have to reveal the like, 10 things you're good at, one at a time. Like one a week. You can't share it all at once at the very beginning. Gotta keep some mystery."
I nodded.
"But what if you're just good at everything? I'm good at everything."
Crickets.
I am Undateable.
This week was all about discovering how good life is. Each consecutive day continues to be the best day of my life. Despite anything sad that happens, I can't help but think there is more good to come. So far, I have yet to be disappointed. Being happy every day isn't a challenge, it's a gut feeling.
Dating in the dead of Winter = relationship built on foundation of sadness.
Dating in the Spring = relationship built on hope, optimism, and rebirth. Also, joy.
I would like to make a somewhat formal announcement: despite the stories I have in my pocket, I am actually not currently dating.
All of my online dating profiles are dormant, deactivated, and I haven't gone out on weekends with much purpose besides having a blast with my chosen company. Besides occasionally playing wingman to the single members of my crew, I haven't really had much romance in my life. (Except for working up the courage to #likelikeit, that is. But that, again, is another story to be shared at a different time.)
I had actually sworn off dating before Thanksgiving, but failed to actually do so.
My reasoning, is, well, is it really such a great idea to try to meet someone new right before the holidays? It's a busy and stressful time for many people, where some folks disappear into black holes for days at a time. That's just not something I was interested in--meeting somebody amazing, and then having them fall off the face of the Earth for the last half of December.
The original plan was just not to date until the end of February. Can you imagine the emotional rollercoaster of Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's-Valentine's Day with a new beau? Maybe I'm shortsighted, but the idea didn't inspire high aspirations of romance.
So, time to take a little breather.
Right before Christmas, I committed to really stepping back. By January 1, I had friend-zoned or politely declined all of the suitors I was engaging with, in real life or otherwise. The messages, texts, phone calls, and first dates came to a lull.
Ahh, how relaxing!
But now we're in this weird time of year. Following Blue Monday, I was worried the loneliness would be palpable. Mine wasn't. But I could feel it dripping out of other people. I felt it the weekend before. And the weekend following. I could see it in strangers' eyes, as I ordered a beer at the bar. It felt like every interaction with someone I didn't know lingered just a beat longer.
Other people's loneliness is difficult to navigate. In the past week, I've experienced far too many uncomfortable silences, which I've steamrolled through with an extreme, forceful (platonic!) warmth. The slightest downgrade of hugs.
Following the holiday hangover, and especially considering the crazy cold snap, everybody seems to be only seeking a warm body to spoon. My flannel pajamas and I are just fine.
And despite it all--the promise and plan to keep me all to myself for a few weeks, I've found myself in the throes of a long-lingering, slow-burning crush.
Based on the last person I found myself immediately attracted to, I thought it would have fizzled away by now. But there it is, still simmering slowly in the background.
And normally I would have already boldly ridden the train of chance all the way to the last stop, impatient to figure out what! when! where! next.
But this feels different. Important, even. So I'm just sitting back, and letting the train keep on rolling. Slowly letting the adventure unfold, rather than tearing through the pages to choose my own.
This week was interrupted by a cold snap and being disconnected from the Internet at home. That didn't really stop me from having more than the usual number of adventures.
So much for a quiet weekend at home with a book and some movies!
Unrelated, but I had a conversation with my friend who is my Single Person Spirit Guide this week. I was asking him, "How do I tell if any interaction on social media is flirting? Does a like mean he LIKE likes me?"
To which he responded, "Man, it's so confusing these days. I wish there was a secret way you could let people know that you like them. Like a code. What if we decide it is that you have to go to their Instagram feed, and scroll all the way back to their very first post, and like it? That's the code."
I think that's the code.
A friend tagged me on Instagram immediately when she saw this photo. I spent weeks tracking down this ring. If there's one thing I'm really good at, it's figuring out the best way to go after something that catches my eye, no matter how obscure, rare, or far away.
One thing about me? I like to eat. Very easily, the way to my heart is through my stomach. In my OkCupid profile, I make sure to highlight a few things that are important to me, interesting and delicious foods being very high on the list.
I get it, it's hard for anyone to send the first message. What clever thing are you going to say, that will intrigue the other person to immediately fall in love with you? Or at the very least, interest them enough to write you back, and continue writing you back until you meet them in real life?
A large number of guys message me either to bond over eating experiences in Atlanta (this is awesome, unless they have terrible taste, which then it turns into an argument) or to suggest that I expose them to new culinary experiences.
I thought the latter would be something I'd be really into. Being an ambassador to my city, where I just get to meet new people and eat all the things I like? I got really excited at the prospect!
Oh boy.
So one guy uses this very icebreaker. He's cute, seems like a really cheery person, and very quickly passes the psychopath test. Deeming him nonthreatening and potentially super fun, I agree to meet him offline.
The impression I get from him is that he is putting himself out there to try something new (yay, dating!), and that he reached out to me specifically because he wants to try something new (yay, eating!). So I suggest a spot where we can grab a drink, that has small plates to give us the option of staying longer and ordering more food if it is going well, and is hip but the atmosphere casual enough to kill any anxiety about meeting a stranger.
We sit and he looks at the menus. Cocktail sheet, drink book, food list, sushi sheet you fill out yourself with a golf pencil. Deer in headlights look on face. I realize immediately the venue choice was too aspirational. There is no turning back now.
I persevere and order my usual drink. I cajole our server into choosing a cocktail for the gentleman.
Drinks arrive. He takes one sip, asks me if I'd like to try it. It's perfect, so good I almost regret not getting the same. I'm pretty sure that's the only sip he takes the entire meal.
I order the three simplest things on the menu, still feeling confident. The dishes arrive, he tries everything. By taking one bite, and then putting the food down and not touching it again.
This is when I start to panic. Not only is his appetite, well, nonexistent, so is the conversation. I launch into my most charming, talkative self, while eating the remainder of the food as quickly and in as ladylike a manner as possible. It is difficult, but I do not waver.
The check finally arrives, and I dive for it.
Quick aside: I don't really believe that guys always have to pay for the first date meal or activity. I'm happy to share or treat, and people should just let me if I want to. And sometimes, it's nice to be treated every once in a while, right? My treat.
In this case, I wasn't just trying to be nice. It was almost as if I had conned this stranger into a weird restaurant experience, and there was no way I was going to let him pay a portion of the bill considering I had ordered (and eaten!) everything on the table.
When we part for the night, I get the feeling he thinks it went really well. I don't know how to explain that I carried the entire conversation, and that I probably couldn't date someone that couldn't eat with me, as I eat out regularly.
He continues to text me for a few days, until I finally try to let him down easy.
“Thanks for hanging out! I meant to tell you that I am not looking for anything serious right now and I’m currently dating a few other people... So I can’t promise you anything.
No worries, I’m dating other people too, but you are fun to hang out with so hit me up any time.”
Considering he told me the opposite over the dinner he didn't eat, I did not hit him up.
It wasn't a total loss. I did take myself out to a fantastic dinner.
A few months ago, I decided to rejoin OkCupid, almost on a lark. Something about more efficiently meeting people with the aid of algorithms and compatibility scores really appealed to the engineer part of my brain. Little did I know how absolutely wrong I was when I thought to myself, "This will be a great idea!"
All that aside, this is the only positive experience I've had so far. Before we plunge into the bad, let's start with something good.
As I mentioned in my SnapChat post, one layer of initial attraction is physical. So even though these compatibility percentages were listed for every potential boyfriend on the site, I knew I wasn't in any kind of rush to be coupled, so I could afford to be choosy. And so I started by choosing with my eyes. And I learned I only found a very small (2-3%) of available online profiles attractive.
So when I saw his face, I think I literally gasped out loud. Click.
Remember the days of sending, like, winky faces or pokes to flirt online? Now it's just on a hot-or-not dating scale. Rate this profile. Swipe left or right.
His profile was actually extremely vague. Instead of answering the prompts with poorly worded essays, he responded in poetry. The former literary-magazine-editor in me swooned. His photos included one in the great outdoors, one in a tropical travel destination, one in a very foreign travel destination, one with glasses, one hinting at a tattoo. Eyes wide, heart pounding, I say yes.
It's a match!
I feel bold.
“Would you like to go to a dance party?
Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to go to a dance party?!”
Correct answer.
However, incorrect city. He doesn't live in town. Not just outside of the metro Atlanta area, rather, states away. (This is easily a theme of my current dating experiences. I will expand on this in a separate post.)
But he's coming for a visit. I press on.
“When are you in town then? My social calendar is a bit of a beast to wrangle.
I’m staying downtown for three nights. Let me know if you get an opening. (555) 555-1234.”
I quickly send him a text, inviting him to my favorite bar for drinks and dinner.
“Damn girl, you don’t waste any time! :)
I am aggressively single. Ha, sorry, but I’m out to get what I want.
I apologize for saying ‘damn girl.’”
Important item to note here, is that I like to be direct and forthright in communications. I also make sure to be attentive and responsive. I am the fastest texter in all the land. If I don't respond to you, I probably hate you (unlikely!) or am asleep. Or dead. I'm probably dying.
It's immediately evident he's intelligent, witty, and has just enough bite to be interesting.
“Why so aggressively single?
I think I was feeling bold when I said that. I’m not looking for my next boyfriend or potential spouse right now. I just really enjoy meeting new people. And hanging out. I’m a pretty good time.
I like the confidence. I rarely enjoy hanging out with bad time people. I’m feeling like good people lately, so your timing is impeccable.”
Another correct response. Immediately follows with the, "Why are you single?" conversation.
We continue to banter all night. And for the next four days.
“You’re fun.
I live to entertain you.”
I realized I run new people through the wringer. Never mean spiritedly, but interesting new people? I want to know everything.
“What is your go-to karaoke track?
”Trouble” by Elvis
When did you first know you are hot?
I’m not. I’m a little on the skinny side. I have a comically large smile. I was a science major.
That is precious! Talk math and science to me.
Mitochondria. Covalent bonds. Photo. Synthesis.”
Everything he says is perfect. I can't help but feel like I have a delicious secret. I'm distracted.
I'm impressed with his sense of follow-up. Every lapse in conversation, he picks back up. I'm surprised at every opportunity he has to fade away, and instead I consistently receive thinly veiled messages that are only meant to say, "I'm still interested."
“This has been interesting.
This being what?
I don’t usually talk to someone this long before I meet them in person.
I am an excellent conversationalist.
You are indeed. If we were in the same town, we would have already met. Days ago in fact.”
He finally arrives. It's the day.
But something in the dynamic shifts, and suddenly I am drifting.
I realize we're past the tipping point for real romantic interest. He's interested.
I have cold feet.
For some reason, I loathe the idea of a real date. In my mind, I want to meet somebody, become fast friends, because there is a crackling intensity. I recoil at the idea of being wooed on a dinner date. I just want to hang out and see what happens. I explain.
“Cold feet?
This got more real more quickly than I expected. This sounds weird, but I am averse to the idea of a date lately. Let’s just hang out please?
I’m not entirely sure what to do with that...
This is not a rejection.”
We finally meet. He's absolutely everything I imagined and he promised. Tall, handsome, with a winning smile. Sarcastic, sharp, with an intense gaze.
I can't tell if I had talked myself out of it because of the high chance of failure (long distance is a thing I am actually great at, but have been disappointed by); or if I just wasn't interested, if it wasn't right; or if we had missed the window where we should have met, at the peak of our flirtation.
But I had fallen out of it somewhere along the way. I didn't know if I could get back in.
We had a fantastic meal--he did something I always do, and love doing: over-ordering for the entire table, and then slowly, efficiently, eating every dish. He is attentive, very sweet, and much more vulnerable in person. Objectively, a very dreamy gentleman; I felt like I had stolen somebody's lottery ticket.
As I walked to my car, he followed me to the driver side door. Took me by the small of my back, locked eyes with me, and gave me a movie star kiss.
I wish I saw stars, as it was so utterly romantic! But still, nothing.
He eventually went back home, up north. I couldn't help but wonder if it was meant to be, but I over-rationalized and spoiled my chances. Dreamy gentlemen don't come along very often.
But my internal conflict fizzled just as quickly as my initial interest did.
Our time together was brief, but neatly packaged: a perfect episode in a non-love story. And now I know, in another city, is one of the most eligible bachelors I have ever met.
I've been on the longest staycation I have taken in my adult life. Which has been a struggle, as I don't believe in having much downtime--I'd rather be where the people are, always doing something.
To all the haters that always say every year, "This year sucked, next one has to be better," I have to disagree. Even a traditionally horrible experience in hindsight, is at the very least interesting, if not totally amazing after the fact. I personally thought 2013 was the best year ever, and life is only getting better all the time.
Top moments of the year, in no specific order:
Getting caught in a torrential downpour in Chicago. There were people streaming down the streets. At the time, it felt like the worst. But if you watch the video, we're all smiling hard.
A cheap but effective high: casually wandering Harry Potter World during my birthday, and being escorted to the front of the line for every ride. Because birthday! I haven’t celebrated very hard in years, so being rewarded for being born was so nice! It's an unexpected but always welcome surprise to have strangers try to make your day.
Watching my sister transform into a beautiful bride, supernaturally calm and unfettered leading up to her special day. Favorite moment, while getting ready: "Can you go steal me some bacon?" She calmly eats several pieces of thick-sliced maple-flavored bacon in her perfect hair and makeup, somehow not mussing either or her dress.
Finding myself at a happy hour with coworkers I’d never spent time with outside of the office before. Immediately becoming great friends, filling my workdays and social calendar with the most brilliant SnapChats, non-sequitous IMs, and obscure games.
Seeing Belle & Sebastian again after 7 years, standing in a crush of people against the barricade, in a light drizzle, alone, swooning.
Staying at the office until midnight, eating a burrito and drinking beers. While talking to my long-distance crush via headset. While wrapping every piece of furniture in my favorite EVP’s office with tin foil. Favorite favorite: making a giant crane out of foil as the pièce de résistance.
Going to the arcade with a new friend, and running around like hyperactive children. It was just like being on a first date, where we told our friends afterward, "I had the most amazing time! I want to see him again." That night sealed it: he’s now my work husband and greatest confidant.
Wandering down the rabbit hole, staying out till all hours. Following the adventure storyline to the end of each night has led to secret after-hours bars, tours of beautiful homes, all the chicken sausage I could ever consume, Bagel Bites and Wii tournaments in vacant apartments, dogs petted and cats held, in-depth conversations with Uber drivers about the intricacies of the service, and often waking up with my hair in a tangle.
Zooming down the street I live on, super fast on my bike, because all the streets were closed. Feeling confident enough to ride through parts of town I’d never attempted before. Eventually landing on a patio and eating endless pizza and drinking beers with an unlikely, but incredible grouping of my favorite people.
Walking down 18th St in San Francisco with my younger sister, immediately following a successful half marathon run, eating artisanal ice cream and carrying a tres leches cake she had special ordered for my birthday.
Approached a complete stranger at the best party at SXSW. We danced, we raised our eyebrows at each other when we spotted a girl who had literally lost her shirt, we climbed on stage and danced some more. I never expected to see him again, it was a perfect night. Now we talk every single day.
Although I’d been running for several months, with a few races peppered throughout the year, I hit my first runner’s high in September. It coincided with the period of time I was talking to someone new for the first time since being single. I felt like I was floating.
Following a dumbfounding breakup from my then-boyfriend of nearly five years: being swallowed up not by infinite sadness, but engulfed completely by the nuances of all my previously neglected friendships. This year I grew closer than ever to my best friends, reconnected with the most treasured people in my life, and charmed many new ones.
May 2014 bring just as many memories, just as much magic, even more moments to celebrate.
You've stumbled onto my foray back into the world of blogging. I'm currently sharing bits and pieces from my personal life. There are feelings involved.
If you're new, I would start here.
Not sure what to make of me? To start, I am a terrific eater, adventure seeker, and general enjoyer of cultural experiences.
